


Star Trek: I Gotta Go

by AlanM42



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:54:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlanM42/pseuds/AlanM42
Summary: Ever wonder how Khan knew Chekov in "Wrath of Khan?" Or how do people go to the bathroom on the Enterprise?
Kudos: 12





	Star Trek: I Gotta Go

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place about halfway through the TOS episode "Space Seed."

Khan had just been released from Sickbay and escorted to guest quarters. He wasted no time. Immediately, he was out scouting the ships corridors. Turning on the charm and plotting the ships take over.

Two decks below his quarters, as he calmly strolled down the corridor. There was a sudden burning, churning pain in his gut. 

Now for a geneticly superior human, an upset stomach would only be a minor discomfort. But this was no ordinary stomach ache. Two centuries earlier, just before the "Botany Bay" lifted off from Area 51, Khan had slipped away to the base dinning hall, where he prepared and consumed three plates of extra spicy Mongolian beef. 

As he slept in suspended animation, the meat had slowly rotted and now threatened to explode out each end of his body. Yes, plans for his new empire were on hold while he sought out more, necessary facilities.

Then he spotted Lt. Baldwin, the Red Shirt who had escorted him to his quarters a few minutes earlier.

"Ahh, Mr. Baldwin," Khan said with more charm than was needed, "good to see you again. Would you be so kind as to direct me to the nearest water closet?"

The burly guard blinked in confusion and said, "If you need a glass of water, you can get one from any replicator."

"Uhh, no." His accent, Khan thought, must be American. "I believe you Americans call it a bathroom."

"If you need to bathe, there's a Sonic shower in your quarters. Oh, and I'm not American, I'm from the New Arkansas colony on Rigel Kentarus Four."

Arkansas, Khan was some what familiar with the state, it was home of some of the most backward and ignorant people in North America and birthplace to that contimpable Bill Clinton. That reminds me, Khan thought, I wonder if his wife ever became POTUS? According to my White House spies she was a formidable woman and the true power...a gurgling noise in his stomach brought his thoughts back to his current reality.

"Arkansas you say. I passed through once, delightful hospitable people. But what I seek is a...umm... lavatory."

"We have several on the Enterprise. We have a physics lab, a biology lab, a hydroponics lab." 

Gaghh. Khan thought, this man is dense. There has to be some word his simian mind will understand. What was that word my Nana used when I was a small child.

"No, Mr. Baldwin, a lavatory is place people go when they need to...pooh pooh."

"Oh, I understand. We call them Urination Stations now. This way."

Khan followed him a short ways down the hall to a door labeled, Urination Station 10-14. As his stomach rose, his heart sank. There above the door, illuminated by a light, was that word most hated by the traveling public: occupied.

How typical, he thought, two hundred years and who knows how many light-years I've traveled and here I stand thwarted by that word. It felt as if a wild animal was clawing its way up his esophagus.

Finally the door opened and a young man came out.

"You!" Khan snarled, as he thrust a finger in the man's face. "You kept me waiting while I stood there in agony. I never forget a face, but yours I will well remember, for soon I will have my reve...oh, I'm so sorry. Please forgive that outburst, Mr.?"

"Chekov, sir, Pavel Chekov."

"Well, Mr. Chekov, please accept my most sincere apologies. Two hundred years without a Urination Station break can leave one a bit discomfitted."

"Ahh, don't vorry about it. Happens around here all the time." As Chekov walked away, Khan thought, oh I definitely won't vorry about it Mr. Check off. For soon I will have my revenge. A loud glurpping noise sent him scurying through the door.

Inside, the Urination Station, no bigger than an old fashioned phone booth, was empty. There was only a small control panel with three buttons labeled: F, U, N. Above the panel, in barely legible hand writing, someone had scralled: Kirk is a jurk.

"Umm. Mr. Baldwin." Khan said. "I'm a bit embarrassed to ask, but I'm at a loss as to how this operates."

"No problem." Baldwin said. He leaned in and pointed at the buttons. He noticed the graffiti and snickered. "Who ever it is, is at it again. Most people in Security think that's McCoy's hand writing, but I believe it's Mr. Spo..."

"Err, umm." Khan grumbled.

"Oh, sorry. The buttons, F is fecal material, U for urine and N is for nausea. Simply press the buttons you need. Your body will be scanned and a transporter will beam all your waste matter out and into our food replicator system."

Khan's eyes opened wide at that sickening thought.

"Just an old joke. It actually beams everything into a waste storage tank on deck 22. You don't even have to drop your drawers the way they did in the old days."

Baldwin stepped back into the corridor and Khan said, "Thank you, Mr. Baldwin, I truly appreciate your assistance." As the door closed, he thought, I will have a special place for you in my torture chamber. 

When the door closed he began to frantically press all three buttons. A computer voice came on and said.

"Please stand still." A light washed over his body, followed by the whirring sound of a transporter.

"Process complete." The computer announced. 

Khan let out a blessed sigh of relief and slumped against the bulkhead. He remained in that position for several moments. Then he stood up perfectly straight. Smoothed out his clothes and with both hands brushed back his hair. Once more in the proper countenance of a wouldbe emperor, he stepped towards the door. A door which would open into a challenging new world. A world that would soon be the empire of Khan Noonien Singh.

The door opened.

And there stood, Doctor Leonard McCoy.

And he said, "Good God man, did you have to take all day? Now, outta my way, I gotta go."


End file.
